It’s nice to be back. Sorry for not giving so many news lately; I’ve been figuring things out. While I have not been doing a very good job at it (for a change…), I am always trying my best not to give up and stay true to myself in midst of all of the parameters of life, without going crazy. Going crazy seems like a pretty tempting idea at times. Am I crazy for saying that? Maybe. Anyway, I’m trying to rationalize things by convincing myself that if I hang in there long enough, everything will finally appear to me very clearly. That’s how it usually works.
It’s funny, I remember when I was twenty, I was sure that I would have it all figured out at 25. Oh well, maybe when I’m 30…
Anyway, where did I leave you at? Oh right. My arrival in Santiago, the big revelation of my life that was the Camino. Okay so, what happened since then?
I decided to walk to Finisterra (“the end of world”, on the west-coast of Spain, where the Camino really ends), but I left a day after my friends. After a day of walking, I freaked out and realized that my friends were “my end of the world”. Yes, that was a very cheesy period of my life. It turned out that there were no buses going there to join them, and I was told that I had to go back to Santiago. But the Camino provides! The people from the “albergue” I stayed at were very friendly, they welcomed me as family and helped me find a solution. That’s how I met their friend Marisol, a lovely Spanish lady who just happened to go to Finisterra by car the next day, where I was able to surprise my friends. It was magical. I will never forget that day.
I then made my way to Porto, in Portugal, with the last survivors from our Camino family. Portugal was a nice transition after a month of hiking, especially when I then went down to Lisbon and Cascais, to meet my parents, enjoying a week of discovery and relaxation…
My journey was not quite finished as I still had to take a flight to Denmark, where I decided to join my friend Donja for her birthday. Michal, another member of our Camino family, was also there, and I got to see Niko and Pia, who also live there. Copenhagen is a really beautiful and interesting city, and this started what is, I hope, a tradition of making the effort to keep visiting each other. I love Europe for that; everywhere is nearby. I think it was also a way for me to postpone my return to Switzerland. I wanted the dream to last a little longer…
But then, I went home. I found an occasional summer job in a holiday camp for children, and a small flat (that I happen to share with Jaume, who I also met on the Camino! Yes the Camino has invaded my life!).
I would like to say that I’m “back to normal”, but that would be a lie. There’s no “normal” in my world. There are only a series of occurrences that happen one after the other and end up forming my life, most of the time surprising myself about where I end up.
So since then for example, we have also had a Camino reunion in Stuttgart, where Sophia lives.
And now… I’m back in Denmark again. I think I might be seriously missing travelling…
All of this is temporary. I’m trying to get some writing done, my next big project, and I’m still working on the soon-to-come publication of my first book. But mainly, I’m thinking about what is coming next. I am honestly torn between taking my time, saving up some money and having some kind of routine in order to get things done in my life, or going away for some new adventures. Every night, I dream of going to New York, Berlin, or heck, I don’t know, why not even Kigali, and doing what I love.
It’s been over a year that I settled down again in Switzerland. I have to admit that, although it has been more than necessary, now that I feel much better, it get the impression more and more that I need to move on again. This place is awesome in many ways (I mean, you should see the views), but I can’t help but feel limited here. Something’s missing, here. I think this country might just be a bit too “well-ordered” for me. Maybe I really only thrive in chaos… You should see my room.
Here’s a little something I wrote, in one of my life-determining moments, when I thought I had to decide whether to accept a ‘nice’ job or not (I ended up not getting it, but it at least made me ask myself the right questions):
Will I be the writer of my life? Or will I be the protagonist ?
Once again, I am confronted to a choice. Does it have to be a choice?
Will I choose to stay behind a little while longer, taking time to put down the words to my stories, or will I go out there create new ones?
I left uni. Twice. I always come back to it, that’s true. But that doesn’t change the fact: I left university twice. What does that say about me?
Sometimes, I look at it and it feels like everything is adding up. “Why not”. I made a promise to myself. Who would I be if I quit now?
Yes of course, there is the voice in the back of my mind telling me that I am a fool and that I shouldn’t turn down an opportunity like this. But when you think of it, I have already done, and there’s always something good that came out of it. There has always been something good, even in the darkest moments. I learned. I grew. Many times I just had a really good time, too. But by trying and failing and mistaking and sometimes succeeding, in the middle of the chaos, I have stayed true to myself.
I can’t stop now. I have gone too far in this incredible journey to not want to know where it takes me next, if I keep following the same path. Isn’t it fascinating? To wonder where the hell I will end up? To me it is, and yes, I realize that this is an incredibly egocentric comment.
But after all, I am the protagonist of my own life.
I have already made such choices. I turned down jobs, I turned down the entrance to a really nice university in Holland, each time even after writing heart-felt motivation letters to them, really wishing at the moment of writing that I would be taken. Often, I think I want something and it ends up not being the case.
I can’t give up I know. I’ve gone too far in this.It would not be right. I have seen too much and I know too much, to go back now. I have chosen this burden and I must honour it. The privilege I have had to wander the roads of the world must mean something.
Yes, like everybody, I only want to be happy. But I know that I won’t be happy like this, even if I’m not happy like that either. I don’t think I can ever be really happy as long as the status quo of the world remains. And I don’t think I want that to change either.
Everybody will have an opinion to what I should do…
but in the end, I know myself… I am the writer of my life.
Okay so I will admit that was a bit ridiculous, to go crazy over a job that I didn’t even get, but I realize it says a lot about me. The fact that, when faced with such a situation, I reacted the way I did, says a lot about me. I think I shouldn’t ignore it, or I will risk staying stuck in a very comfortable situation, but miserable situation.
Right now, I’m doing my best to move through life without letting those questions weigh on me too much. I’ve been doing so for a while now, and I kinda miss my old self. The one who cared more. Who was ready to take more risks for the things she cared for. Not the one who chose facility or comfort.
But Life itself is not comfortable.
I might as well make it meaningful.
‘Cause why the hell not.
(That said, I have a few very nice projects ahead that have just appeared into my life just after I wrote all of this, and they seem to put me on the paths I want to. I am excited to share more with you very soon. Actually, you might be seeing quite a bit more of me in the next few weeks. I’ll keep you updated!)