I’m in a hostel in Toulouse. My pilgrimage starts in three days. In the bathroom of my dorm, I just observed myself for a long time in the mirror. My skin isn’t very healthy, I think it is marked by this winter’s stress. The corners of my eyes are used and reddened , and I know it is because of the too many tears that have been shed. It had been a long time, since I hadn’t truly looked at myself.
That is what I’m about to do, on the Camino de Santiago: to look, inside of me. To observe what I find there, to sort out the emotions and the experiences that I have accumulated for such a long time, that I don’t even know where to start to untangle the knots in my head, the knots in my heart. This step is essential for me to move forward in this eventful life, I am absolutely certain about that. I also know it is not going to be easy, but I promised myself: I won’t give up. Not until I believe in myself again, and in the word.
I remember that coming here, the sunlight illuminated the valley and the snow still covered the top of the mountains. I realize it is spring. The world is transitioning from winter to summer, and so am I, I hope. I don’t want to be the girl who wears sadness on her face, anymore. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll find something else. I owe it to myself, to honour the privilege of this life so rich in experiences, of my interior world so full of emotions, and most of all, my external world so blessed with friendships and support, so filled with love.
For you who are reading me, you who have shared a bit of my life and my road, you who show your support with your gestures and your words, you have to know that without you, I would be nothing. You give meaning to my life. I have so much love for you, that I resent myself sometimes for not knowing how to transmit it to you. I resent myself for not always being there, for acting selfishly at times. However, it is also what I am looking for, through this walk: to forgive myself. It might even be the ultimate goal of this trip. I am a bit scared, because I don’t know what is waiting for me on the other side. But I know that you will be there; and that is enough to make me go on.
I hope you know that I am there, too.
Thank you. <3